An unfortunate written experience

While reading apartment reviews with my daughter, I was shocked by the level of writing incompetence I saw people displaying on the web. In fact, I saw a level of basic inability to write that I don't think I've seen in any of the other basic skills that modern Americans are expected to master by adulthood. If these people behaved at work, operated motor vehicles, or performed normal hygiene routines with the same level of care and attention to detail as they use in writing, satellites would fall from the sky and the economy would crumble in upon itself. Hey, wait - that's already happening. I'm here not a moment too soon.

So to help our economy and keep satellites and other machinery of modern man functioning in our society, I've decided to be a part of the change I wish to see in the world by selecting bits of Internet and print writing, and assisting others in understanding what's wrong with this writing.

A few disclaimers:

1. I understand that people write in an informal manner on the web.
2. I have no complaint with the shortened words used on the web and in text messaging.
3. I understand that people usually write much more quickly on the web, resulting in a greater number of typos.
4. I KNOW that English grammar has a lot of confusing rules. I'm going to work on only the most grievous errors. I'll try to avoid discussing gerunds and split infinitives.

That said, here are tips to help all of us avoid looking like fools while sharing our pithiest comments, and prevent others from imagining us as slovenly low-class illiterates who don't bother to comb their hair, and who wear curlers, old polyester sweatsuits, and fuzzy slippers in public. You're welcome.

Original Text:

"Why are you faulting the management company for goose poop. It happens. You are all so stupid. What do you want them to do' Put diapers on all the geese. Idiots. The management staff is not there to make your life easy. They are there to provide housing, and they do a great job. Just all of you stop whining and get over yourself."

Let's break it down.

"Why are you faulting the management company for goose poop." When you ask someone a question in the English language, you MUST end the sentence with a question mark. Just one. A question is a question, and does not gain gravitational force from having additional question marks placed beyond the initial one.

"You are all so stupid." It's never a good idea to call anyone names when there is no true anonymity on the web; you may actually find yourself living next door to someone who feels insulted by your name-calling of three years ago on some website you don't even remember. In addition, if you begin telling people they are stupid, they will begin to question your own intelligence; if the rest of your writing is faulty, they will have endless entertainment at your expense.

"What do you want them to do' Put diapers on all the geese." The stray apostrophe in the place where a question mark is required (see sentence number one) might well be a typo, so I will extend benefit of the doubt. However, the following amusing idea is actually a suggestion based on the question, so the sentence should read: "What do you want them to do, put diapers on all the geese?"

"Idiots." See "stupid" above.

"The management staff is not there to make your life easy. They are there to provide housing, and they do a great job." While the author did an excellent job of following American standards in giving "staff" a singular verb ("is"), the author then stumbled when he/she got to "They" and "your life". The writer has already identified a singular group titled "staff", so should the least awkward next sentence should start with, "The staff is...". The person also addressed "you all", which is more than one person, so he/she should have said "The staff is not there to make your lives easy."

"Just all of you stop whining and get over yourself." Again, if our dear author is addressing all of us, he or she ought to also address all of ourselves, like this: "Just all of you stop whining and get over yourselves."

See how easy it is to attain basic competence in English? As long as there's sentences grating on my mind, I'll be here to show you how to improve them. Happy writing!